When Ella contacted me about being the first guest poster on her blog, I thought “Excellent, quite an honour! Now I just need a good idea to write about”. Aaaand that was as far as I got. I spent the following few days thinking of and ultimately discarding a number of topics.
After some time has passed without me having written a single word I thought “Bingo! I will write up some tips on guest blogging!” That’s right – nothing qualifies you to give advice more than your inability to follow it. It’s just like that old saying: “Those who can, do; those who can’t, write lame instructional segments on other people’s blogs”.
Since this is the first time ever I write a guest entry from scratch, I won’t presume to give advice on how to deliver a great guest post. Instead, as someone who’s hosted guest posters on his own blog, I’ll try to give tips to those who are set on being absolutely horrible guests. Because we all know that some of you are just waiting for that chance to get some seriously bad rep in the blogging world.
Well, look no further – your guest posts are about to get a whole lot worse.
1. Spend zero time proofreading
Look, they’re the ones running a blog. Why should you spend your precious time making sure that your words make sense and are composed of letters that exist?! If the whole “grammar” and “spelling” thing is so important to the host, then they should spend their time checking it. You’ve already written the article, they may as well chip in and proofread it!
2. Spam links to anything you can
Writing a guest post is that awesome chance for free promotion you’ve been waiting for! Use it! Link back to your blog, your book, your dog’s Facebook profile, the eBay page for that haunted voodoo doll you’ve been trying to sell.
The more links you place in your articles, the more traffic you can channel to your sites. Hell, why not just submit a post with an intro of “Here are some great places to visit on the Internet” and a long list of links?
3. Disregard the host’s target audience
Hey, they’ve asked you to write a guest post. They should know you’re not to be controlled and bossed around. You’ve got your own voice and your own personality – who cares about their blog and their audience?
Are they running a Christian blog for pre-teens? Throw in a couple of swear words and some tips on selling your soul to the Devil. Are they offering money-saving tips? Tell their audience about some great and haunted voodoo dolls they can get on eBay (you really, really need to sell that doll).
No, I’m not suggesting you physically steal stuff (for that, consult my “How to be a terrible human being” guide). But do feel free to just copy and paste other people’s material. If someone’s already written something good, there’s no point in you trying to come up with it – just reuse it.
Also, if you’ve found some good pictures that illustrate your points, grab them. No need to credit their author or link back to them. Remember, if anyone ever finds out you did this, it’s the host blogger that will have to explain it.
5. Publish carbon copies of your post everywhere
This only makes sense. You’ve spent way too much time writing your guest post to keep it on their blog exclusively. Sure, there are “rules” and blogging etiquette that suggest you should only keep your guest post on one blog. But nobody’s ever gotten anywhere in life by following rules!
Submit your post to any site that will accept it. Paste it on your dog’s Facebook page. By the time you’re done people won’t be able to Google any site without your post coming up! Then, and only then, will you at last be able to sell that damn haunted voodoo doll.
If you want to post some terrible guest articles on Daniel’s blog, visit him at http://nest-expressed.com. If stalking is more your thing, stalk him on Facebook or Twitter. He may or may not have a haunted voodoo doll for sale.