Yesterday, I listed ten checkpoints to help you establish whether you lived in the UK, should you find yourself scratching your head one day with sudden amnesia and no clue as to where you might be. Just for fun, again, I’ve allowed my mind to wonder off into the future and try to come up with what these ten checkpoints might look like in ten years’ time. Don’t worry, I’ll be here to make sure, ten years from now.
In case you haven’t seen the contemporary version yet, here’s the link https://ellamedler.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/10-ways-to-kno…live-in-the-uk/
- There will be no actual recycling, just statistics and posters showing what could have been achieved if the government would have provided adequate budgets to local councils. One or possibly more independent commissions will strive to investigate the matter, but the results will be deemed inconclusive. Despite this, the finger of blame will be pointed at the party in charge and the opposition will use this state of play to make their move. You’ve been warned;
- There will be no rubbish bins because new council guidelines will dictate that you will have no rubbish. Micro-CCTV will be fitted in every room of your house and attached to every tree in your garden to prevent you disposing of your non-rubbish by means of self-dug, personal landfill. For those of you already employing this method, get yourself a good lawyer now. Or move house. To the arctic, preferably – they’re unlikely to follow you there, and even if they do, no council employee will deign to shovel snow out of the way simply to prove your guilt;
- There will be no police because we’ll live in a crime-free state. To save your baby from drowning, you’ll have to go and get him or her from the duck pond yourself. So, no change there, then. There would be no funds to train police officers on how to deal with knee-high water and muddy terrain, anyway;
- There will be no public pools because of health and safety reasons. Swims across the channel to the continent will be encouraged instead, with a view to raise funds for government-approved charities;
- In addition to safety goggles, your children will be supplied with crash helmets or protective ice hockey or American football kit to protect them during break time when playing schoolyard games;
- You’ll stop panicking about fuel sector strike action, because all good employers will have built bunkers – in accordance with government guidelines – for you to sleep in, should the need arise, so you wouldn’t miss work for one minute. There is also a strong possibility that driving will be completely banned by then and Flintstone-style automobiles will become the height of fashion;
- Water meters will be obsolete, because every family will have a borehole in their garden, just to the side of that badly disguised landfill rockery. The outbreak of new diseases will make a lot of bored researchers ecstatic and the councils will charge a rusty pipe fee for your cheek and outright defiance;
- No one will remember Katie Price, or the following thousand or so untalented nobodies that will follow in her steps;
- You won’t need loans any longer because vigilante groups will have set fire to all the banks and pawn shops and you already know how to live off your land, including sourcing your own water. A barter system will evolve and it will be almost as successful as in ancient times, before anyone figured what coins do;
- You’ll be able to buy anything you want, as long as it’s not in season, too expensive or not really something you want. All the rest of the merchandise will be deemed inappropriate and banned by the government.
I’m sure you’ll think I’ve missed a lot of important points, and you’re probably right. Leave me a note in the comments below and I’ll make sure your tip included in my future ramblings.