Just for fun, I list below the ten easiest ways of making sure you live in the UK. Don’t get me wrong, I love this country. I’m not complaining, I’m just employing indigenous coping techniques like, umm… laughing at some things and completely ignoring others. Just in case you’re wondering, though, all the facts listed below have hit the news in the UK in the last few months.
- Your council spends more money on posters about recycling than on means to make it happen;
- Look under the rim of your rubbish bin – is there a small camera tucked in there recording the quantity and composition of your rubbish? If yes, you are. Also if yes, get yourself a good lawyer now. Or move house. To the arctic, preferably – they’re unlikely to follow you there;
- The local bobby will let your baby drown in the duck pond because they have not received the training necessary to perform a water – well, pond – rescue;
- Has your local council stopped you doing lengths in your public pool because of health and safety reasons? No worries, it’s only a matter of time. Stick to doing widths for now, you’ll thank them one day when you get cramp and they fish you out before you can say ‘aahhh’;
- Your children are supplied with plastic goggles to protect them during break time when playing schoolyard games, such as conkers, for example;
- You panic at the slightest whiff of fuel sector strike action. You’d far rather set fire to yourself, your house and your family than risk missing one day of work because you couldn’t drive there;
- Your water is metered and rationed and prices per unit have risen to almost those of bottled spring water you could buy from a supermarket. Government guidelines recommend sharing your bathtimes with other family members, encouraging closeness and bonding within the family unit at the same time;
- You know who Katie Price is;
- When you need a loan, you don’t go to a bank, but to the pawn shop;
- You can buy chocolate Easter Eggs right after Christmas Day and Christmas decorations from July onwards.
Have I forgotten anything important? What peculiarities apply to the country you live in?
Tomorrow, I’ll be imagining this country in ten years’ time. Come and see – here’s the link https://ellamedler.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/and-the-uk-in-10-years-time/