System Update

My computer has been throwing wobbly fits over the last few days, a fact which is not new and unexpected to me or itself, for that matter.

So far, about once a year we have a major disagreement, I stuff it on the back seat of my car and take it to a good computer doctor where it is completely stripped down and re-loaded. I just can’t stand technology that thinks it should be able to rule my life. Call me stubborn.

Despite such incidents taking place mainly in the summertime, this year it’s different. The great bust-up will occur earlier than usual, perhaps in an attempt to match the early summer weather. I know it’s coming – I can feel it in my water (and it also keeps rebooting itself without being told to do so, losing my unsaved work in the process).

To prepare myself mentally for the imminent battle with my temperamental equipment I’ve spent some time trying to gain a better understanding of some useful computer-speak terms but their definitions are not that easy to remember, so I’ve jotted down my best translation here.

KEYBOARD = the standard way to generate computer errors

386 = the average IQ needed to understand a PC

MOUSEPAD = an advanced input device that makes computer errors easier to generate

GUI (pronounced ‘gooey’) = your computer after spilling coffee on it

DISK CRASH = typical computer response to any critical deadline (this becomes 100% more likely to occur when using an inbuilt calendar or organizer option)

SYSTEM UPDATE = the last message received before a major computer breakdown

STATE OF THE ART = a computer you cannot afford

OBSOLETE = the computer you own

MICROSECOND = time it takes for your state of the art computer to become obsolete

LAPTOP = device invented to force people like you and me to work at home and on any trip, be it for business or pleasure

I’m sure there are many more things to learn, but this is how far my attention spanned today. I’ll leave the rest to the real experts. Oh look, new message: ‘system update’.


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