Every now and then I wish I was born something different.
I mean REALLY DIFFERENT! You know what I’m speaking about: the women versus men conundrum.
When I’m in one of these moods every fork in the path of my life becomes strikingly discernible and I am able to see, really see all the missed opportunities, the choices, the outcomes and how they may have been better for me if I were… well, not me.
So I’ve made a decision. I am going to plan now for the future. When I take my bow and finally depart this life as ‘me’ I shall be clutching in my hand a photo of what I want to come back as, in a future life. I’m not leaving it to chance this time.
I’m taking this very seriously, and to help me decide I have listed below the top ten advantages for each of my choices.
Top Ten Reasons To Be A Man
1. Toilet queues are shorter
2. No mood swings
3. People talk to your face, not your chest
4. Your friends wouldn’t dream of trapping you with the question “So, notice anything different?”
5. Phone conversations never last more than 30 seconds
6. Your figure is never a factor in a job interview
7. Chocolate is just another snack, your life does not depend on it
8. Car mechanics tell you the truth, almost always
9. No one expects you to shave below your neck
10. Same work, more pay
Top Ten Reasons To Be A Woman
1. No one thinks you’re weird if you wear women’s underwear
2. You can correctly estimate, at a glance, the size of men genitalia
3. You are not expected to BBQ stuff, though you will gladly step in and save the day when everything resembles charcoal, the cook included
4. Two words: colour coordination
5. You can put a duvet cover on a duvet without asphyxiating yourself
6. Your ability to concentrate on a conversation is not inversely proportional to the bust size of adjacent females
7. You can occupy a bathroom for more than fifteen minutes without the aid of pornographic literature
8. You can read the instruction leaflet before starting to assemble flat-packed furniture
9. You never have to worry that you are not the real parent of your child
10. You can go to the toilet without leaving a small reservoir on the bathroom floor.
Having taken the time to carefully consider all of the above, I have finally made a decision: